Humanist vs. computer

Computer for a humanist like me comprises of few essential items: internet, word and skype. Internet is a place there you can look at cute cat pictures and videos. Word is the document there you write work related reports (Excel is exactly the same as word, it only has squares). Skype is the tool to chat and talk with your friends. Well, I also use my computer as a TV and radio, as I don’t own these, but that’s pretty much it.

Any computer related issues are too complicated and give my headache. While in a meanwhile I give headaches to IT guys. At least I can feel how they silently and desperately want to hit their heads against the wall when I vaguely try to explain what’s my IT problem. I guess they think people like me suffer from some certain humaniora caused computer retardation and our brain cannot compute anything IT related. We sort of get Error!Error! flashing in our eyes…

Yet I may not know so much about computers (and math) (ok ok, and also chemistry, geography, economy and some other irrelevant fields), at least I know something about the essential stuff that helps you to survive in this cruel world: emotional intellegicence, cats, shoe shopping, intuition, tarot cards, cosmopolitan (both the magazine and the drink), girl power, female solidarity and stuff…

Hit it!!

There seem to be some certain targets we are all supposed to hit in our lives: to get married, to get children and acquire some decent property. And I can’t help but wonder, is there some certain age limit, when you’re supposed to start getting worried that you haven’t acquired any of these yet? I mean being a 26 year old single girl living in a rental apartment with a cat, should I already start getting worried or is it still totally ok?

And the most important thing is – does anyone of us actually want these achievements in the CV’s of our lives? Or is it just a peer pressure we’re all facing? And putting upon each other as well. It can be a natural instinct to start wanting kids and family at some certain age, yet it’s also very feasable that it’s purily a social pressure. Just think how we see single 30 – 35 y.o. people, married couples without children, women striving for carrier… I cannot help but wonder why desire for a family is considered essential target in our society. I wished these kind of stereotypes would be no longer valid and we would be set free to create our own targets and goals.

Seems like there’s a certain path meant for us to be taken: kidergarten->school->university->carrier->family…-> until death do us part, right? I wish there was more tolerance for a woman who choses kidergarten->school->university->carrier path, I wish she wouldn’t get called spinster, cold, power greedy bitch or a woman who choses to go this way kidergarten->school->family woudln’t be considered a dumb unambitious housewive… Not to mention men, who would like to go that way!

I think I’ve pretty much sorted out which way I want to go and I hope I will be let go all the way down that road at my own pace…

The Santa Barbaras

It’s amazing how much one can see into such a shallow Hollywood produced TV series as Sex and The City (yes, that’s something I’m hooked to at the moment). Or maybe that’s not in the series – maybe that’s something I personally add to it, based on my experiences and current emotions, meaning – I see what I want to see.

I totally loved the second season episode “La Douluer Exquise!” (The Exquisite Pain). It’s about S&M – yes, the kind of S&M you juts thought about – and the other kind of S&M – the painful relationship. I wonder, how many girls out there found themselves hooked up on a bad relationship, not being able to quit it, no matter how painful it is? Cause regardless the pain, it’s oh so dramatic, exciting, interesting!..

Don’t tell me there isn’t anyone outhere who’s up for bad boys? I have to admit this is my relationship pattern – I like things a little bit spicy and good boys seem rather dull to me.

Does true love have really have to be like the Santa Barbara or is it what we’re tought to believe? I mean how many bright and funny songs are there about love? And have you recently seen a movie about love that was not dramatic, tragic, emotional?.. Does this all cultural background actually teaches us that true love has to hurt?

Some people need emotional whipping to feel really alive. Yet I think I’m getting tired of bad relationships and will try to survive without my daily dosis of douleur exquise…

The Men Isle

While shopping at the parapharmacy today, I couldn’t help but notice that there is an entire store dedicated to female beauty and personal care products, while male products account for a little tiny shelf in the back of the store. It covers some male essential product, such as shaving foam, razors and deodorants. While there’s a whole bunch of shelves stuffed with “very essential” female products, such as facial clay masks, vanilla scented body lotions, pinky, peachy, rosy nail polishes, chocalate and strawberry scented lipglosses, volumising mascaras, dead sea salts for bath, hair removal wax strips with honey and I could go on and on. And on! One can’t help but wonder: how come women need the entire store dedicated to such products, while men can survive with a tiny isle of male products in it? Is it something in the nature of women, that makes us want to be beautiful or are we just brainwashed by clever marketers, that we desperately need all of those products?

And I must say I really struggled to get out of the shop with the only product I actually needed – the bar soap, cause somethere half way the shop my hands were already full with strawberry flavoured lipgloss, coral coloured nail polish, a discounted mascara (come on, you always need a mascara! And it was on discount!) and black clay cleansing and purifying facial mask… I had to put myslf together and put those products back, cause honestly: my entire bathroom is stufded with these already. But still – I could so hardly resist!

The situation is even more dangerous if you stop by not just a parapharmy, but some fancy beauty specialist retailer, which has premium fragrances and all that premium skin care, that caust your weekly rent a piece! It’s a serious danger to one’s budget and I must admit I had several visits to stores like that after wich I had to tell myself – this week there’s only pasta on the menu (home made pasta to be clear)…

I have counted how many beauty and personal care products I use on a regular day then I stay at home and work by my laptop – 11 products in total! Shower gel, shampoo, balsam, hair oil, toothpaste, toner, face cream, eye cream, lipbalm, body lotion and hand cream. And that’s on the day I’m staying home! Add at least the same amount of stuff on the days I’m going out and try to look pretty…

Where’s that border line between the essential products and products glossy adds in the magazines convinced us to buy? Why can’t body lotion serve as a hand cream too? And doesn’t face cream suffice the face? I only got an eye cream cause the sales lady at a fancy cosmetics shop told me I should start using it already at the age of 25 for prevention. FOR PREVENTION! And I fell for that.

Makes you kind of wonder, not only how millions of men can survive without all those “essentials” products everyday, but also how the entire generations of our grand- and greatgrand mothers have survived without them as well?..

Monday marketing

Monday morning. Couldn’t help but think about work. And what I was thinking was that this got to be my longest and most stable work relationship I have ever had! More than two years in the same company is my personal record. Who knew, that to enjoy your job, you need to solve your personal issues first. However, me wouldn’t be me, if I didn’t start to think about my future career already. I’m full of plans, dreams, ideas and this morning over my breakfast I was going through pages of a marketing textbook…

Sex And The City Sunday

After watching the seven seasons and all available series of the eight season of Desperate Housewives, I got hooked up with Sex And The City. Don’t know why, but I like to watch something that comes in series. There’s just something about continuity of series that I like, but can hardly define. Maybe it’s just that after watching two-three seasons of any kind of series you get familiar to it and that familiarity makes you feel cosy and comfy about it.

So today spending a perfectly lazy Sunday with Sex And The City girls and fresh apple pie straight from the oven, I heard the phrase that made me pause for a while. “I love you too, Richard, but I love me more,” Samantha said (and if you have seen at least one episode, you know which “gal” I’m talking about). It made me wonder, why could I have never said that? Why would I ever love any man and any relationship more than myself? Is it because I’m pressured by the perception that single people have some kind of flaw?.. That single people are not complete, cause only a soul mate, our perfect-other-half completes us?..

And who has ever made that concept of a soul mate out? I mean, isn’t it intimidating to think that there’s only one person in the world that is perfect for you? What if you never meet him (or her)? Or what if you meet him and it doesn’t work out? You’re doomed to remain single or stay in not so perfectly fulfilling relationship for the rest of your life?

I would like to believe that we have more than one chance to make a perfect match. Or that our friends and family members can be our soul mates (yes, I like that word in plural much more than in singular). Why can’t, for example, your lil’ sister be your soul mate and guys be… just guys. Cause let’s face it, we think they are all pigs, but we still can’t live without them. We like them to give us flowers and make us laugh and stuff, so why can’t we just leave it this way?

I don’t know whether I’m being pessimistic or optimistic right now. But I’m hopeful that my theory of multiple soul mates is true.

Me, myself and I

“Don’t read beauty magazines, cause they only gonna make you feel ugly” whoever said that, was so right. But I still read them. And they make me feel sorry that I am not 1,80 m and 40 kg girl. And that I don’t have those shoes, that would cost my monthly rent. Or that I still don’t have plastic boobs. Or that I still eat being at my current weight…

Don’t ask me, what I see when I look in the mirror. It’s probably something completly different than you do. I am dozens of different images for dozens of eyes that watch me.

Woman’s image of herself is such a fragile issue. Thank god, if she has nice people around her, to tell her how pretty she is, cause that reflection in the mirror – it lies!

Catz!

Today I had a hesburger dinner complemented with a caffe latte from the can. On the can it said “Don’t worry, Be Happy Caffe Latte” so I got tempted to try if it had some sort of relaxing effect.

I cannot stop thinking about getting another cat. While having my fries I was watching this lovely stray kitty, which lives in my yard, and thinking if I should domesticate it as I did with Niko?..

Although the possibility of becoming a crazy cat lady scares me a bit, I cannot deny I’m obsessed with cats. Just look, how the pages of my work note book look like:

The plum

I have this habit of cutting the plum into the halves right before eating it just to make sure I am not getting any extra protein in a form of worms. But today I was clumsy enough to let the knife slip through the plum straight to the palm there it made a tiny bleeding burning whole.

But that’s not the point of the story. The point is that later on I spent some time taking pictures of my palm, trying to get the best possible lighting and composition. How normal is that? It made me consider, maybe I have forgotten something… Oh yeah, right, I WANTED to learn to take pictures professionally. Where did that thing go?

At the moment I do not know what I WANT. Judging my by daily meal ratio (a chocolate bar and pack of chips (that unlucky plum was the healthiest thing I had today)), I am an emotional wreck again. Got a little insomniac again too, tossing and turning in my bed thinking about all the “What if?”s in my life.

Over-analysing hurts sometimes.

Darbas žmogų puošia… kupra

Kaip dirbti darbą, kuris tau ne prie širdies? Don’nt get me wrong, savo darbu skųstis negaliu. Viskas ten gerai: ir atlyginimas, ir kolegos, ir management’as, ir darbo valandos (tiksliau jokių apibrėžtų darbo valandų nebuvimas), ir galimybė išsimiegoti iki pietų ir gyventi “pelėdos” ritmu, bet…

Jaučiu, kad ne ten mane traukia. Nejaučiu jokio užsidegimo, aistros, na žinot, tokios, kai įsisukus į darbus net pavalgyt ir pamiegot pamirštama…

Ir jau ne pirmą kartą atsidūrus tokioj situacijoj, nori nenori turi knistis sieos užkampiuose ir pakampėse ieškant atsakymų, tai kas gi vis dėlto tave užveda… Kol kas neturiu žalio supratimo.

Anksčiau svajojau būti autobuso vairuotoja. Ne to, kur mieste važinėja, bet to, tarpmiestinio. Norėjau vežti vaikus ir pensininkus į ekskursijas. Paskui norėjau būti statybininke. Man rodės be galo taurus darbas pastatyti namą – namus! – kuriuose gyventų graži šeima. Bet šita svajonė buvo supeikta pareiškiant, kad tokiam darbui aš per daug protinga. Tada dar norėjau būti darželio auklėtoja, kaip ir mano mama. Labai didžiavausi jos darbu (ir iki šiol didžiuojuosi) ir tai man rodės sektinas pavyzdys. Deja, ir čia gavau papeikimą už naivų svaičiojimą – auklytės darbas juk labai sunkus, mažai apmokamas, o šiuolaikiniai vaikai juk tikri monstrai…

Keista, kaip anksti užniaužiami vaikų norai ir polinkiai. Gera linkinčių tėvų jie stumiami pasirinkti “perspektyvias” specialybes. Bet nuo to kirmino, nuo to nuolatinio žinojimo, kad sėdi ne savo rogėse niekur nepabėgsi.

Džiaugiuosi visa savo darbine patirtim, kuri bent jau leido suprasti, kad ofisinis darbas ne man. Jis mane dusina.

Dabar prašau likimo patirties, kuri leistų suprasti, tai kas gi vis dėlto priverstų mane dirbti su ugnele?..